Dear Bruce Johnson,

Has anyone ever told you you're a saint? Have they fallen at your feet in gratitude? Have husbands approached you to show that the bruises from being kicked every night have faded with time? Have wives thanked you for saving their marriages? Have...um...you know what, this isn't right. Can you go get Mrs. Johnson, because we both know that she was the catalyst in this invention.

We all know she couldn't take one more night of your snoring and would beat you senseless until morning. You would both wake up exhausted and bruised and pissed. Thank God she resorted to reaching over and plugging your nose, until you woke up gasping for breath, just to be mean(or wait, was that me?). I also might have been the one who would imitate the Big Guy snoring at 2 am just to wake him up with a taste of his own medicine...he never really got the humor in that as I laid there shaking with laughter, but I digress.

Where was I? Oh, so thank you, Mrs. Johnson, for threatening separate beds like Lucy and Ricky unless Bruce got off his ass and solved his snoring problem. It's because of you that wives everywhere are starting to like their husbands again and are less likely to dream of throttling them every night.

Sweet dreams,

Jennifer Juniper


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