Happy Birthday, Jake!

Dear Jake,

You know when you look back on your life and realize that there was a certain event that was a turning point for you, your purpose, your life? An event that made everything fall into place and gave your life meaning?

That moment for me was when I had you. My perspective changed from selfish to serving. I could see my own heart living and breathing outside my own body. It was thrilling, it was terrifying, it filled me with love and it hurt at the same time.  I knew with each birth that the special moments we shared being one body would never be the same. They would change day to day and I would never be able to hold on to those special moments that ran through my fingers like water. So fast, you've grown so damn fast.  I never thought 17 years could pass in a blink of an eye, but here I am, the mother of a 17 year old boy. A man, you tell me. 

Yesterday afternoon you listed all the things you can now do without me or my permission: buy spray paint (the son of a crafter for sure!),  go to a rated R movie, get married, work full time... The list went on and on.  I laughed with you, but it hurt my heart too, because I know that in order to do this job right you have to leave me.  You has to go out into the world and buy spray paint for yourself! 

I think about how fast the last 17 years has passed and I'm not ready. I'm not ready for you to buy spray paint yet! I have such a short time left with you before you goes off to college and every day that passes is one more day down.  If 17 years went by in a blink, what am I supposed to do with a year and a half left?? Will my heart swell as you set off on your own or will it break?

This little baby I held in my arms (you) gave my life purpose. I was put on this earth to create and raise you 3 beautiful boys and it all started with you, my first one. You let me know I could do it and were patient with me as I learned.  I love with all my heart. 

Happy birthday, Jaker Baker, I am so proud God chose me to be your mom and you to be my son. You make me proud every day and I cannot wait to see what life has in store for your next 17 years.

Love,

Mama