10 years ago today I was in a state of thrilled, panicked anticipation - euphoria and terror mixed into a brew that left me twitchy and giddy. I was about to deliver my first child, a son (though, I didn't know that yet).
I can remember the feeling of my water breaking at 10 pm that night. A strong kick followed by the sensation of a bubble traveling down and bursting on the surface. Had I just peed? My hubby was sound asleep on the chair in front of the TV blissfully unaware of the spectacle in the bathroom nearby as I tried to figure out what had just happened. In fact, he remained unaware through my calling for him and finally woke up when I threw a book out into the hallway. "I think I either peed my pants or my water broke." I was instantly weak in the knees and wondering how I'd gotten myself into this and WHY? What was I thinking?
My son was named quickly, as soon as we saw him we knew his name. We spent the next two days staring at this human we had created. My first words were, "We just had a baby!" on our home video and I thought this many times in those next hours. How is this possible?
We were then sent home and the fun began as we figured it out the way only new parents can.
We held him up to my tummy and tried to imagine how he'd ever fit in there. (We both avoided thinking about how he'd gotten out) We were blissfully, insanely in love and as addicted to this being as any drug addict to cocaine. We got our buzz from kisses and squeezes, from sniffing his little baby neck and running our lips over his tiny baby feet. We were born that same day, we were born parents. We have never looked back and have never been the same since. We now carried such weight, such responsibility, such love.
My husband and I were talking in the car today about how quickly this 10 years has gone by. So fast, it's as if we've been swept up in some cosmic black hole that distorts time and were plunked down in 2008 with a 10 year old son. The scarier thought is that in another 10 years he will already be gone from here. He will be moving on and making his own way in the world as an adult. The stolen kisses and "love you mom"'s will not be something I can look forward to each day, but rather scheduled as we make time for each other in our separate lives.
How is this possible? I ask again...
So, for this birthday I wish for him to be 6 months old. A cooing, laughing bundle of boy that is figuring out how to assert himself in this world. A boy full of spitty kisses as he chews on my chin and infectious giggles when you kiss his tummy. A baby boy who loves to be naked and loves to be held. A boy with beautiful blue eyes and his daddy's nose... my first son, who taught me how to be a mother.
Happy Birthday J!
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