My Life With Boys

It occurs to me on a weekly basis that as a mother of three boys I do and say things that I never would have imagined in my previous life. I feel the need to post about life with boys every so often because moms with daughters, or those with no kids, just can't imagine the day-to-day around this place.

"Stop killing your brother!" I shouted one morning. I was cozy in my bed and I could hear a battle brewing in the other room as I opened my eyes. "You know it makes him mad when you shoot him! SHOOT SOMEONE ELSE AND GIVE HIM A CHANCE!!!" Now, I rolled over and looked at my husband and we both made a mental note to add this to the "things I never thought I'd ever say" list in our heads. Calm down, it was just a Lego Starwars battle, but it is funny what comes out of your mouth. It's only later that you realize how odd it sounds! My little one was shrieking, "He keeps killing me!!! He keeps killing me!!!"

We can walk into my brother-in-law's house and his two daughters will be coloring quietly at the table, soft music is playing, everything is neat and tidy...a dream really. Then there's my house where there is always a ruckus, a mess, a wrestling match. I can identify my three sons by the sound of their screams, footsteps, and armpit farts. There's lots of gas around here that is released in a variety of ways in the car, in front of the TV, at the dinner table. There is no soft music and quiet coloring. A friend with boys once said, "I'd love to know what goes on in those girl houses. They probably just have conversations all day!"

When my kids get a new toy, they usually run straight into the house and up the stairs to drop it over the banister from the second floor to see if it will bounce. Throwing a coconut out the upstairs window onto the driveway was a science experiment and couch vaulting in the basement has been elevated to an X-games sport.

I say things daily that would shock and amaze a "girl mom", such as:

Did you wash your hands after the potty? Wait, let me check your bum!

Are those the same underpants you were wearing this weekend?!?

Go outside if you're going to fight, I can't stand it!

No more cheese or your bummy will come out! (it's a medical condition that is beyond comprehension)

Well, I'm not sure when you will get armpit hair...and yes, you will get hair on your "peter" someday. No, I don't know when. Okay, I'll help you check.

Stop checking your brother's privates with the Cyber Eye! (that microscope thing that plugs in to the input jack on the television, projected it 2 feet long!)

Has anyone fed the dog in the last week?

No, you can't kill a deer by shooting it in eye with an Airsoft gun! Yes, if you do we can eat it for dinner.

I am swordfighting while I write this, and I have shouted "You're dead!" three times. I think a girl might cry if she heard that...

Anyway, despite all of the horror there is a sweet side. I hear "love you, mama" about 35 times a day, I am able to steal enough kisses to sustain me, and know that, for my whole life, I will have some big strong guy around to lift heavy things and open jars for me.