2.27.2009

The Birds and the Bees...Round 3


Living with a 10 year old boy is...well, much like living with a 42 year old man - just less hairy. They all erupt with stink and sounds at various times of the day, they are obsessed with pooping and broadcast it whenever it happens, they snack constantly, and are naked much of the time.

For some reason, though I'm the lone woman in this equation, I've been chosen to discuss the "birds and the bees" with the boys (actually, I needed to explain a few things to the Big Guy, too).

A friend with 12 year old triplets scared me into broaching the subject with my then 9 year old son back in September. She told horror stories about information passed around the bus and told me I better get in there and do damage control early. Sooooo, I did.

I sat on the edge of his bed one night and asked if he had any questions about anything he wanted to ask me. He answered with a resounding "YES"!!! Okay, I'm not going to lie, my first thought was "oh, s**t, here we go" but I plowed on and soon learned he really wanted to know how many days 'til Christmas and if Santa was me and Dad. (whew...bullet dodged)

Okay, anything else you are wondering, maybe something about your body, or girls? Again he says "YES!!!" (I'm cringing inwardly) "When am I going to get hair on my armpits and balls?" Alrighty, then! This is going to be easier than I thought! I gave him an approximate time frame and he seemed satisfied and rolled over to go to sleep.

Fast forward to November when he comes running down the stairs screaming "I've got a hair on my balls! I've got a hair on my balls! Everyone come see!!!" This is the nice thing about having all one sex, because he dropped trou' right there in the living room and displayed the fine hair he had discovered. He cultivated that lone hair for months, so proud. His brothers would gather around to look, he even broadcast it on the 37 inch TV in the family room with the "Eyeclops" he got for Christmas...ah, memories...

Well, I thought it was time for "the talk" again. I asked, do you have any more questions you've thought of about your body or sex in the last few months? "What's sex?" he answered (good boy, letting Mommy of the hook like this). A smile and kiss goodnight and the topic was closed again.

Finally, about 2 months later we had the "bubes" incident and a screaming announcement of "SIX hairs on my balls" which lead me to try once more. I decided to go old school with it and dived right into "birds and bees" when they asked if they were eating baby chickens for breakfast. I explained about mommy chickens and daddy chickens and fertilization, blah, blah, blah... and how it is the same for humans; a mom and dad need to contribute to make a baby (without all the gory details). I could tell by the expressions that I had laid some groundwork and questions were brewing. Oh, give me strength, because this time all three boys were present and I'm afraid I'm going to get ambushed one night. God only knows what they will come up with together.

Considering it was my youngest who explained to his older brothers how babies got out, (when they tried to argue that babies came out of your bellybutton he announced "They come out of your bum, just like poop" Wouldn't that be lovely painted on a frame?), I think he's the one I need to worry about. That was just last year. I know, I'm embarrassed I let it go on as long as it did.

I think I have some time, though. The Big Guy walked into the room afterwards and said "I never did understand why they called it the birds and the bees" Yes, the man made three kids...I've got my work cut out for me.


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41 comments :

  1. You have great storytelling ability - maybe you can explain to the rest of us why they call it the birds and the bees...

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  2. What! They don't come out of your bellybutton!

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  3. You do realize your child will just die if he ever reads this when he's older? Of course, this will also be good blackmail material later on!

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  4. Oh you make me laugh and cringe! I also have 3 boys and know that all too soon those questions will be coming my way. The hair thing is the best though!! I am going to have to share that story with my Aunt who's child also was very "proud" of his hair discovery! Oh the life with all males in the house is never dull!

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  5. That is so funny! That subject is a slipper slope, isn't it? We have three boys and one girl (ages 8-16). My husband is not really comfortable talking about that kind of stuff with them. Even though it's difficult, I would rather tell it like it is and make sure they know. My older ones, especially, are at the age where I need to know that they are informed and safe. Ugh! That's scary to even say out loud.

    Have a nice week!

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  6. Oh gosh yes, the sticky subject. I made a deal with dad - I'll do the lone girl in the house, he does the boys.

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  7. Coming here from SITS! LOL! You make my widdle baby blog seem pointless to put out there when yours is around! WOW! Amazing storytelling ability!!! You have boys, I have all girls.
    I LOVE the way you explained "sex" you your boy. And then he comes down at Christmas exclaiming,"Look, I have 5 hairs on my balls!" And then the frosting is he shows everyone...Bet that was a remembered Christmas,(And NOT because of the gifts..) I WILL definitely be coming back...YOu are one funny lady. Hey if you get a chance stop by my blog--I've been blogging since JAN 09 but lately I feel I have really got the hang of this blogging thing. I'm getting better.
    http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com
    Happy SITS MONDAY!!!!! GREAT POSTS!!!!

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  8. I would be roaring with laughter if I wasn't afraid of waking my daughter.

    It's great to start the day laughing. Life with boys is never boring. :-)

    Happy SITS day again!

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  9. LOL! That was totally hilarious but since I have only boys as well(2 of them) I guess I better beware.

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  10. Happy SITS day. :)) It's moments like the ones you describe that keep me terrified of having kids. I know i wouldn't handle it with nearly so much aplomb.

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  11. So funny how your little guy wanted to share his hair discovery with everyone! I'm sure all parents would identify with this one.

    Happy SITS Day!

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  12. I have twin girls who are almost 4 and I am terrified of having "the talk" with them. OMG! It was bad enough to teach them "vagina" recently, and I can't imagine the rest of it.

    I wonder how different girls are with this stuff? When I was that age I'd never have gone around displaying my newfound hairs! But maybe I am/was just a prude. LOL!

    This ia a wonderful story, and my sides are splitting. It's also funny becaus my girls often say that babies come out of belly buttons, and for now I don't disagree with them. They're still 3---what do they really need to know at this point?!

    Thanks for sharing!

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  13. Happy SITS Monday! I knew I was going to enjoy your posts. Anywho - the pubic hair thing? what's with that? My daughter was wondering when she was going to start getting "hair down there" - Oh what a great Dr. Suess story that would be - she finally had "the fuzz" and now it's "a forest" I told her. GET RID OF THAT and she said "Yeah, huh I know MOM - it's icky. LMAO!

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  14. Omw, that was hilarious!!!!! As a mom of two little girls, I can say that I am definitely a little worried about what might happen if we ever add a little boy to this family....

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  15. I'm not looking forward to 'the talk' with Princess Nagger when she hits that age... Where's that 'pause' button??! :)

    Happy SITS Day! :)

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  16. too funny! I am so not looking forward to these talks....i think i have some time though (thank god!) - my oldest is only 3

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  17. I am laughing now. That was seriously too funny! I don't have any kids, but I'm definitely not looking forward to that talk when I do have kids!

    Happy SITS Day! =)

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  18. That is hilarious! Happy SITS day :)

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  19. "THE TALK" is my responsibilty in our household as well... I've made it through much of it with my oldest daughter (9) - getting pregnant and having babies makes those olders ones think... :)

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  20. Congrats on being today's SitS featurette!

    This story cracks me up! I only have one boy (and two girls) but can't imagine having to give the talk to that many boys! Good luck!

    I'll be back, you make me laugh ;)

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  21. I laughed all the way through this! I just recently blogged about having THE TALK with my nine year old daughter. I thought it would be a cake walk, having done it years ago with other daughter who is now 15.

    It never gets any easier. I just hope that I haven't traumatized them to the point that they go running to a nunnery.

    Do nunneries even exist anymore?

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  22. SO funny! No kids here, but I got phone calls from my much-younger brother while off at college, asking me to explain things mom and dad refused to discuss. So I've had a few of these conversations, too... yours sound like you took a creative approach.

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  23. You are a GREAT story-teller! And that was HILARIOUS!! What a bunch you have!!

    HAPPY SITS!!

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  24. Great post, it brought back the days of talking to my boys... Their father (aka the "Sperm Donor" - we are divorced if you couldn't guess) was an idiot who didn't talk to them about anything.
    I remember driving them home from school one day when the older one asked what an erection was; or watching TV one time and the younger one asked what masterbating was... I'm so glad they could always ask.. we still have that kind of relationship and they are all grown up.

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  25. This post reminded me of my brothers -- who were so proud of their armpit hair/s and never got tired of grossing out their sisters with it.

    Thanks for the laughs :)

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  26. There are times I'm very happy I don't have kids (yet). This is one of them.

    Happy SITS day!

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  27. LOL!!!
    Thank the Lord above......I had two girls (now all grown up and out on their own).
    :-)

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  28. Such a funny story!

    Makes me a bit thankful I don't have kids yet -- I'd have no idea how to have a conversation like this.

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  29. This is hilarious! Now I know what to expect when my boys get older!

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  30. That's a precious story! Enjoy your SITS day!

    sweetjeanette.blogspot.com

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  31. Oh gosh, I dread when this day comes!

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  32. Happy SITS Day.

    I realized my youngest (I have 2 girls ages 11 and 9)had huge gaps in her sex ed. I had to explain menstruation (". . . and every month the uterus sheds its prepared lining.").

    Cue Lucille Ball-type wail: "WHAAAAAAAAH! Every month? For how long?"

    Um, until about MY age.

    WHAAAAAAH!

    Later I heard her on the phone with her father: "Mama told me something AWFUL!"

    LOL

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  33. Noooooooo, my little dude is 15 mos. old and I'm dreading moments like this. I better man up. Ah ha

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  34. I had a birds and bees moment recently too. You were nicer than me though. I brought hubby in so that he could blush and endure the questions at the same time as the kiddies. I do feel a bit guilty about making him squirm. . . but only a bit!

    Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity

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  35. You have me in stitches here. My sone is only four so it's nice to know what I'm in for. (Though he already got in trouble for kissing girls at school. DOH!) I LOVE your style! Stop by my "Balance Beam" sometime! :-)

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  36. I almost blew my drink out my nose! Hilarious! Thanks for sharing...
    Happy SITS Day!
    ***Ally

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  37. Oh, I think I love you.

    You've got all my favorites...

    sex

    balls

    poop

    I think sometimes maybe I should have been a man, but I like girlie stuff too much. Happy SITS day!

    Mox

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  38. OMG! I laughed from start to finish on this post. Hilarious! I don't have any children and often wonder how parents handle the birds and bees conversation - that picture is priceless by the way!

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  39. Oh my gosh - I'm rolling on the floor laughing. I'm just the opposite of you guys -I've got 3 girls. Not sure what's worse. Although, despite just having my husband - he certainly makes up for not having any little boys running around here. I read your post to him and he laughed his head off too! Thanks for the good laugh tonight! Enjoy your day in the SITS spotlight.

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  40. I have 4 boys and we came to the realization of needing to tell our then 9 year old also because of information he was receiving at school. I was the designated talker also.
    He actually didn't really care and I didn't think he listened all too much I just talked and told him everything.
    A few months later I was sticking out my belly acting like I was pregnant and he got so excited (we have been trying for 2 years) and I said no I am not pregnant just wishing. He then proceeded to tell me that he would stay here and watch the kids while me and dad went upstairs and did that thing I told him we do to make a baby!!! I about died, it was so funny!!

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  41. OMG that is hysterical. So glad I had 4 girls! Of course now Ian is already a piece of work at not quite 3.

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