8.26.2009

He's Gone...


Those were the words I kept repeating to myself this morning as I watched my Helper Munchkin walk away from me with the rest of his Kindergarten class this morning. I was left with a sense of loss, relief, emptiness, pride, and a blurry picture of my guy following in a line to his first classroom. My vision of him was blurry to me because my eyes were filled with tears, how appropriate that the photo I took came out the same way.

I go through this transition each fall as my full time kids become my part time kids, and teachers get more quality time that I. I struggle with embracing my new identity as "Jen" again, as motherhood is placed on the back burner for 8 hours per day. I feel lost for the first few weeks trying to remember what I like to do, eat, read... Wondering if my boys are missing me as much as I miss them and guilty that we didn't do everything we planned during the long summer.

I worry that the pressure will get to them, that they're not eating a good lunch, that they are getting bullied (or bully-ing). Who will tell them to put on a sweatshirt, notice if they're sick, give them a hug? How can I stop being a mother when that's what I DO? I even write "Mom" in the space that asks my occupation on forms I have to fill out!

I have shed a lot of tears this week in preparation, watching a tv show, listening to a song, just watching my kids play...I know I'm not alone and take comfort from the fact that they are strong individuals who are able to make their own way without me. In one respect, it's a job well done that is breaking my heart. I feel like this song (yes, it's ABBA, just deal!) says it all:



Slipping Through My Fingers

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn’t
And why I just don’t know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers...

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile...


**This post is from my archives and originally posted August 27th 2008. As I try to express how I feel today, I realize it's exactly as it was then, watching my boys board the school bus. I feel the time with my children slipping through my fingers as they grow older, more independent. I want to bottle them at this age, keep them for myself, but I know that isn't my job. My job is to help them grow up to be smart independent adults. If they end up leaving home and not needing me anymore, I've done my job. If they end up all those things yet still wanting me around, I'll say I was as successful as I could hope to be.

But, for now, I'm grasping at the moments as they slip past and storing memories for another time. I'm memorizing patterns of freckles, crooked smiles, raspy voices, and tight squeezes and stringing them like pearls to wear on a day in the future when their childhood is a thing of the past. (isn't that "pearls" idea beautiful? I stole it from Jodi Picoult)

Oh I love these boys and will miss our lazy summer days...only 186 days until I get my boys back!!! Na Na Teachers!


Link up with BJ Mama for Say it with a song Sundays!
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24 comments :

  1. Awwwwww. How sweet. I'm afraid to say that you're right. It does go by very quickly and before you know it they're almost out of the house. I think you're doing a great job of enjoying your time with them.
    Enjoy your new free time~
    Lori

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  2. Bless your heart! I can only imagine how hard it is to let go.

    But, on the bright side, I wanted to let you know that I passed an award on to you. I don't know whether you accept awards, but it's there if you want it:

    http://cerebralgirl.blogspot.com/2009/08/thank-you-thank-you-thank-you.html

    (It's my book blog, not my usual Heather's Eden.)

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  3. I thought he was going into first grade this year.
    Wow, that's a FULL day apart. That's hard. Hang in there!! You'll be FLOORED when you see how much work you can bang out a week!

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  4. Okay......I cried last year when I read it the first time...now this year I'm really bawling....I truly can't handle that Cubby is going to kindergarten.......I may need an intervention...or at least a Soul Sistas outing to cheer me up!!

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  5. Awww!!! I home school so I don't go through all those emotions but I feel for you. I was looking at pictures of my 11 and 12 year old boys yesterday and couldn't believe how much they have changed in the last 2, 3, 4 years let alone 10, 11 years. They are both going through puberty so they are physically changing-the muscles and jaw line.

    You asked if I wanted a home decor post from you-all I can say is 'Girl-you do whatever because whatever you do --- WILL ROCK! You are the woman.
    You are so much like me-in bed awake till I can complete a project in my mind.
    Cheri

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  6. beautiful post! i'm all teary reading it.

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  7. I had tears in my eyes as I read your post. My youngest girls(TWINS) graduated this past june ending all those years of Ist day of schools in our life. It flies by so very quickly. Enjoy every moment :))

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  8. This is so good. I have a 16 month old, and I'm already sad for when she has to school. But you make such a good point that it is our jobs to let them go in order to let them grow to be independent adults. They grow up so fast!

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  9. That was beautifully written, Jen. I have tears in my eyes.
    Mind you, my girls are in the 1/2 bath 15 feet away blow drying their stuffed animals that they "dropped" in the pool. Ooops. Yeah, they really think I believe that. ;)
    It is amazing to see how they have changed from this time last year. Too bad they have to grow up. Right?!
    I hope you have a wonderful day. Enjoy your ABBA, and a clean house for a few hours.
    (Btw, I'm totally stealing this song for my Simply Said Sunday post this week) ;)

    XO*Tricia

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  10. Third time you make me cry. I had 1boy, he´s turning 3yrs old this october, I´m already wondering how its going to be to stay without him. OMG. Thanks 4 sharing. God bless U.

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  11. hang in there Mama...it's been a bitter sweet week for me too...my 1 & only started kindergarten...i miss her lots while she is at school, but i am enjoying having a little time to myself for a change. :)
    xo

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  12. Awwww, this is such a sweet post! I'm experiencing it too as my 4 yr old twins just headed off to kindergarten this year. They only go for 3 hours a day but it's still hard to admit they're growing up. I worry about them too while they're at school and then it breaks my heart when they tell me that someone wouldn't be their friend or that they didn't know how to do something and they were afraid to ask for help. I know it just takes time for them to get used to it and the routine of it all.

    I still have my 2 yr old twins at home with me so I just try to put all my energy into them for those 3 hours. But soon they'll be off to school too and I probalby won't know what to do with myself.

    Stopping by from SITS

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  13. awe, so sweet. it must be so hard ...yet so rewarding at the same time.

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  14. Love your frames! Sweet post. Made me cry. Life goes too fast my 3 year old will be there before I know it.

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  15. You are making my stomach ache as I read this...I have mine for one more week.

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  16. ABBA has such a way of making me feel better too....

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  17. Jen, what a nice post. I remember in the spring when you were giving the teachers the "nah nah nah" because you were getting your kids back. So I'm sure today was tough. I'll be there next week when my little one starts full-time Pre-K. It's tough to let go and I have the same worries that you mentioned. I don't like having faith in teachers, but I guess I have to.

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  18. I have to say, this post is a SWEET REFRESHMENT from so many blog posts and irl comments I keep hearing about how "I just can't wait until the little brats are back in SCHOOL so I can get on with my LIFE!"

    It makes me really sad. But your post gave me hope that the heart of motherhood is still alive and well in the world, LOL!

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  19. My youngest is 15 and I still dread the start of the school year! I love a full house! My other son just left for college today and I feel just like you-it's a melancholy day. Time just goes toooo fast! Hang in...
    ~Nancy

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  20. Okay, I am finally at peace with Cole in kindergarten...don't you go making me cry again!!!

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  21. I had such a hard time with my little Z starting preschool this year, I can't even imagine him going to Kindergarten...I am tearing up just thinking about it.

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