Those were the words I kept repeating to myself this morning as I watched my Helper Munchkin walk away from me with the rest of his Kindergarten class this morning. I was left with a sense of loss, relief, emptiness, pride, and a blurry picture of my guy following in a line to his first classroom. My vision of him was blurry to me because my eyes were filled with tears, how appropriate that the photo I took came out the same way.
I go through this transition each fall as my full time kids become my part time kids, and teachers get more quality time that I. I struggle with embracing my new identity as "Jen" again, as motherhood is placed on the back burner for 8 hours per day. I feel lost for the first few weeks trying to remember what I like to do, eat, read... Wondering if my boys are missing me as much as I miss them and guilty that we didn't do everything we planned during the long summer.
I worry that the pressure will get to them, that they're not eating a good lunch, that they are getting bullied (or bully-ing). Who will tell them to put on a sweatshirt, notice if they're sick, give them a hug? How can I stop being a mother when that's what I DO? I even write "Mom" in the space that asks my occupation on forms I have to fill out!
I have shed a lot of tears this week in preparation, watching a tv show, listening to a song, just watching my kids play...I know I'm not alone and take comfort from the fact that they are strong individuals who are able to make their own way without me. In one respect, it's a job well done that is breaking my heart. I feel like this song (yes, it's ABBA, just deal!) says it all:
Slipping Through My Fingers
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by
Then when she’s gone there’s that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can’t deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
(slipping through my fingers all the time)
Well, some of that we did but most we didn’t
And why I just don’t know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers...
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Schoolbag in hand she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile...
**This post is from my archives and originally posted August 27th 2008. As I try to express how I feel today, I realize it's exactly as it was then, watching my boys board the school bus. I feel the time with my children slipping through my fingers as they grow older, more independent. I want to bottle them at this age, keep them for myself, but I know that isn't my job. My job is to help them grow up to be smart independent adults. If they end up leaving home and not needing me anymore, I've done my job. If they end up all those things yet still wanting me around, I'll say I was as successful as I could hope to be.
But, for now, I'm grasping at the moments as they slip past and storing memories for another time. I'm memorizing patterns of freckles, crooked smiles, raspy voices, and tight squeezes and stringing them like pearls to wear on a day in the future when their childhood is a thing of the past. (isn't that "pearls" idea beautiful? I stole it from Jodi Picoult)
Oh I love these boys and will miss our lazy summer days...only 186 days until I get my boys back!!! Na Na Teachers!
Link up with BJ Mama for Say it with a song Sundays!
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